What to say

When someone dies it can be difficult to know what to say, or how to help those who are grieving. Below are some suggestions which may be helpful.

• Do not be afraid to acknowledge the death.
• Avoid phrases such as ‘I know how you feel’ and ’life has to go on’. We do not know how others feel, and for quite some time they may well not want life to go on.
• The bereaved may need to keep going over the details of the death and events leading up to it – be a good listener.
• Do not be afraid to talk openly about the person who has died.
• Recognise the pain underneath any expressed anger.
• Call in for a cup of tea but do not stay too long. Try to be available, but be aware that while needing the support of company they also need space and that bereavement can be exhausting.
• A short note or a card can be much appreciated but long letters can be too much to cope with in the early days.
• Be there if they need someone to talk to and let them know you are not afraid of tears or strong emotions.
• Offer specific rather than general help.
• Offer to go out with them ‘shall we go out somewhere’ is much better than ‘you should get out more’.
• Invite the bereaved along to events as you would have done before.
• Remember anniversaries and occasions like Christmas, which can be particularly difficult times for the bereaved.
• Remember the pain of bereavement does not go away after a few weeks or months, but can intensify and may run into years. The effects of bereavement may last a lifetime.